Life After an Alcoholic Husband
Alcoholism segued subtly into our marriage, stealthlike, until it was everything in our lives. Now, years after my husband’s passing from alcoholic hepatitis, a glance in the rear view mirror.
- I don’t anticipate with dread what I’ll find when I come home.
- My basement no longer smells like Scotch. And urine.
- I sleep through the night.
- Broken promises and lies are no longer the norm.
- I’m not constantly making excuses.
- The tension in my neck and shoulders has disappeared.
- I finally, finally realize that there was nothing more I could have done about his drinking.
- Constant worry has been replaced with tranquility.
- I live in the present, no longer haunted by ‘what if’ scenarios.
- Chaos has been replaced with happiness.
- There is nothing I miss about life with an alcoholic.
56 Responses to “Life After an Alcoholic Husband”
I have been married to my husband for 7 years (I am 59 and he is 53), and it has been like enduring a hurricane and/or tornado almost daily. I am the adult child of an alcoholic father and have Borderline Personality Disorder, which compounds things, but I’m learning to identify and control my BPD. I have been an honest and faithful wife. I believe my husband is a narcissistic alcoholic. So, why do I stay married to him? Well, I’ve become stronger in terms of being “over the hump” of deciding to pursue divorce, yet I still keep trying to find logic in his choices/behavior, even though I know I cannot save him and persuade him to get help. Just this morning, he says he knows he has a “drinking problem,” yet he doesn’t want help. His father died in his 30s from an alcohol-related illness. I love the sober him, but I absolutely loathe Mistress Alcohol! When intoxicated, which is more often than not, he talks crude/ugly to me. He stays away from home a lot and isn’t working (just got a new job three weeks ago and worked one week). It is hard me to set boundaries and not “fix” things, but I know boundaries need to be set and tough love instituted. He isn’t a communicator, which compounds things. I can see the toll alcohol has taken on his brain – lack of focus, memory loss, blackouts. To those with whom he chooses to hang out, they are much like him and have no idea of the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde I live with. Do I want a divorce? Not really. What if something happens to him? I will feel so guilty, yet I know on any given day he is drinking to excess, driving, sleeping in his vehicle, and I have zero control over any of it. Will I be selfish to divorce him? Will I be dishonoring my wedding vows if I divorce him? Not to sound cliche, but what would Jesus do? I get so very angry at his behavior/ugly words/lack of presence and communication as if I don’t exist (yet he says he needs me), and the fact that he won’t/can’t hold a job and contribute financially is simply unacceptable. I have started having increased anxiety, which I’ve never truly experienced before, because I never know from day to day what I’m going to be dealing with, if my rest is going to be interrupted, if the peaceful vibe being home alone is going to be disturbed. It’s gotten so now when I hear his vehicle pull into the yard, I cringe. He has gone for days and nights without coming home or communicating. He gets mad because I won’t be intimate with him, saying he shouldn’t have to beg his wife for p****. I’m sorry but I have no desire to share such an intimate moment with him. I have so much resentment towards him and that’s all he talks about. I don’t know what to do or if I should get counseling. My mother says I either have to accept things the way they are or get a divorce. I need to stop riding the fence of indecision.
Ex died 5 years ago this week, he was 46. We were together nearly 19 years, 17 of them married. Only understood he was an alcoholic towards the end as he was generally high functioning but became less and less sociable, emotionally withdrawn, negative, blaming me, denying any responsibility, denying having a drinking problem, then quitting a job and not looking for another, just sitting around while I went to work, saying that he paid his dues and it was time for me to work and pay the bills. I asked for a separation and asked him to leave. after about a year of back and forth, I allowed him to move back in temporarily as he started a new work contract in the area. He was behaving as if we were back together and I had angry outburst at him. One day I found him drunk laying down on the couch and as I tried to get him to go to bed, he was behaving strange, trying to grab his backpack and leave. I didnot let him do that and it wasn’t until a long time that he fell asleep and stopped trying to get out with the backpack. I found a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of vodka in it. Was shocked that he was hiding bottles and drinking in secret alone. I asked him to leave for real this time, and we had an easy uncontested amicable divorce within less than a year. He moved within walking distance of me and I kept visiting him to check on him. I drove him once to an AA meeting and tried to encourage him to stop drinking, attended Al Anon mtg myself and quickly learned to stop enabling. Less than a year later, he started looking bad and wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, he told me he went to ER. I kept visiting every couple of weeks, then he started loosing weight and looking sick. He wouldn’t say what it was. One day I couldn’t reach him and went knocking at his door then called 911. He was found dead in his bed, not clear for how long. They didnot let me see him. It wasn’t until we were clearing his apartment, his mom, sis and I that we found medical documents refering to a chromatosis diagnosis. I was shocked that he found out his diagnosis about a year before he died and didn’t tell anyone, not his family, nor friends. It pains me to think he carried the burden of this secret as he lost weight and got sicker. I feel so guilty that I didn’t help or do something. I feel it’s my fault for kicking him out and divorcing him and not being there for him in this illness and end of life. It’s been a long process. I do all sorts of therapy and grief support, but it’s too complicated. It helps to read other people’s stories. I am learning about alcoholism in retrospect. Only reading comments here did I start to understand that I was actually very lucky that we didn’t stay together much longer for our relationship to get worse. There weren’t big issues due to his drinking, he hid it very well and kept it under wraps. He would mostly go sleep and say he had a stomach bug or food poisoning, I didnot know half the time he was drunk. I feel very sad that he died so young, and for all the potential he had. I feel so sad for him, he was a nice smart ambitious guy, struck with this disease that was beyond him. I still don’t totally understand the denial and refusal to seek treatment. It must be a lot of shame. I guess I am lucky that we didn’t have worse days together and that I made the right decision to separate and divorce before things got worse. He never wanted children and perhaps it’s because he didnot want to replicate what he grew up with his alcoholic father. He never really talked much about that either, so it wasn’t clear to me that his dad who was dead by then was an alcoholic. Too many secrets and shame in this family. This is the first time I am writing this story. Thank you for this space. Sorry so many people go through so many difficult situations. with great sadness.
Ann, I am so sorry for your loss and all that you’ve had to endure. Alcoholism is such an awful diseases for so many reasons, one of which is the devastation it has on the loved ones of the alcoholic. We are often quick to blame ourselves, enveloped in shame and guilt. Please don’t do that to yourself. Keep up with therapy and grief support and welcome the comfort and support of family and friends. There’s no such thing as too much help. Be good to yourself. May you find peace and comfort, happiness and love.
Just found this blog. Like another lady, I am going to grief group but this topic never is discussed. I have just become a widow after 50 yrs of marriage to a hard-working man – at first. Now looking back with my eyes wide open instead of denial the alcoholism was always there and got increasingly worse. W died of all the secondary illnesses that come from decades of drinking including impotence. Which by the way was a godsend because he stopped drinking and verbally abusing me. I’m beginning counseling now and hope I can sort all this grief,love,hate and guilt. Thank you.
I just lost my alcoholic husband of 22 years….He was hard-working and functional up until the last 2. He even worked then, in between the binges. I watched his descent in agony and knew that he end would come. I knew that it was going to be awful. But I was unprepared for when it actually happened and all of the pain, guilt, and sadness that came with it. I even moved out at the end in hopes that it might jolt him into realizing that this was serious and he needed to get help, but that not that, the pleading, crying yelling and ultimatums did nothing in opposition to the alcohol. The alcohol has won. My husband was only 48 years old and I am now a 47 year old widow. My children have no father. We are left to pick up the pieces and I am completely broken.
OMG. This sounds like so much of what I’m going through. My husband has been an alcoholic most of his life. But, the past 3 have really taken a toll on me and our marriage. As of today, I told him he had to move out by July 1. He recently broke his pelvis in a stupor, and even after being sober for 3 weeks while he was on complete bed rest, the moment he was able to drive again, he went straight to the store for alcohol. I’m so over this and it’s time for me to move on. I’m scared that he will die very soon once I or he leaves. He has stage 4 liver disease and his brain is mush these days. I so miss the man he was.
My 37 year old husband died 6 weeks ago in the hospital after being an alcoholic for years. The hardest part for me is missing the man he used to be and that I fell in love with in the first place. In the end there was so much resentment and anger towards him. Thank you for sharing your story. Seeing all of these posts and knowing I wasn’t crazy with my thoughts, feelings, and powerlessness is really helping me.
It’s so sad to see how many of us share the same story. My alcoholic wife died 7 years ago and I still think about her every day. Yes, time heals the wounds to some degree, but the scars will be with me and my son for the rest of our lives. She had gotten so deep into the addiction that i had to divorce her, for my son’s sake… and, if I’m being totally honest, for my own sanity as well. During the 4 year long ordeal of a terribly contentious and destructive divorce, my son didn’t want to see her at all (he was 15 at the time)… after the 2nd rehab stint and the predictable “relapse” he was done with her chaos. And I was so focused on simply trying to survive the divorce and the take-no-prisoners legal attack she waged, I didn’t care. In fact, I was secretly pleased, and I didn’t encourage him to try and maintain some kind of contact, even email. Yes, I told him that I would support him in whatever he wanted to do, and that she’d always be his mother, and it’s OK for him to see her… but he knew I was just paying lip service. He knew I was locked in a a life-or-death struggle for our future, his college, etc. So I’m sure part of that decision was his way of supporting me, but mostly he jsut couldn’t deal with seeing her in such a terrible state. She had been such a wonderful mother and wife, but it was now another Jekyll/Hyde situation, and it hurt and confused him far too much. And so I basically let it happen, and he never had any contact with her again.
4 years later the divorce was finished, and I told someone close to her that I our son was older now and ready to start seeing her again. She replied that my (ex) wife had gotten so bad, drunk 24/7, it would hurt our son even more to see her now… let’s wait for a time when she’s sober.
That time never came. 6 months later I got the phone call that she’d died from her alcoholism.
I did all the Al Anon and the counseling, but I still feel guilt. I know I didn’t cause it, couldn’t control it, couldn’t cure it. But I could have been a better husband and father, and I should have done everything in my power to at least have my son send an email to her once in a while. I know, in my heart, that if I’d done that, at least he wouldn’t feel the same guilt I do. And who knows… maybe it would have been the spark she needed to get back on the wagon.
I also know this guilt is normal, it unfounded, and it’s just a silly story my ego is telling me.
But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
We all feel the guilt. I’m guilty because I went back to work after my husband had relapsed. I never thought he would die while I was gone. I was only gone 3 hours but in that time he had locked himself in the bedroom. When I came home I thought I could hear him snoring and I thought he was sleeping it off. Little did I know he was breathing his last agonal breaths . He suddenly went quiet and I broke the door down. He was laying wedged in the corner of r room not breathing.,I tried to pull him out but couldn’t do it. Called 911 they got his pulse back but his brain was gone. Took him off like support 48 hours later. That was 3 and 1/2 years ago and I still think about it every day. I don’t know what happened. We had great kids a great life. He said he didn’t want to take care of me or get old. Well I am still here and fine and he was dead at 58.
Having survived cancer and public housing gun violence one would think I would protect my life, my family from the terror of an alcoholic but I didn’t know he was a drunk until it was too late. I was in too deep. Squandered 6 years of my life. It’s much, much less than the 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40 years others on this forum has wasted but to me it was an eternity. As a middle age man living with cancer, father to young children and husband to a wonderful wife 6 years is a lot of time to waste.
I was the son and primary caregiver of a man who was the ultimate Dr Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. I find relief in his death. All the LOVE, all the compassion, all the understanding, all the time and energy I gave him paled in comparison to his addiction to addiction. He was addict to being an addict. Nicotine then alcohol then chaos. When he finally got “sober” he was addict to chaos. Drama triangles, malcontent, created disturbances, anger over nothing, rage at everything = dry drunk. The first time I heard the term I didn’t even need an explanation because I was living it. The unrelenting chaos, like a tornado that could not stop. He was his true self to the people he professed to “love most”. He was kind, generous, and warm to others who didn’t know him. They would openly say “Why does his family give him such a hard time – he’s SO NICE – he’s just an old man who never had a loving family”. When he false promises to those people fell through, who do you think they blamed ? Correct. His awful family. Repeat, repeat, repeat about 100x and that’s what living with an alcoholic / dry drunk is like.
Unlike losing a beloved and cherish family member, when the alcoholic in my life died I felt, and continue to feel, utter relief. It’s a freeing unlike any other and I have begun to see the world in rainbow colors again. No more created chaos, no more being blamed and suffering the consequences of his alcoholism.
To the widows, widowers, family members on this forum I sympathize and pray for your recovery from the disaster(s) that the alcoholic brought into your life. Your love of the alcoholic was turned into a sword by the alcoholic to stab you in the heart. Don’t stop loving but do start healing. You are not alone, find people who have been terrorized as you have because they will understand without much explanation/story telling.
To the alcoholics reading this blog – I know you are here – you have my condolences for your wasted life because when you are gone no one will cherish your existence. No one. Certainly not the people you hurt and not even the people you help because those people know deep down there is something not right about you. That’s what addiction is: Not Right. They will find out about you, they always do.
To Paula: God bless you and your loved one for this important work you do. You’ve made a difference in the world, you’ve made it better, you are cherished.
I am so relieved to have found this site to know I am not alone. My alcoholic ex-husband died 5 months ago. We were divorced for three weeks when he died. I thought the threat of divorce would “wake him up” after 20 years of marriage. I was wrong. The guilt is overwhelming. I don’t miss the chaos and hurt of the last 7 years but….my heart aches for my children’s loss and what we all had to endure. Guilt, anger, sadness, relief…..the emotions change day to day. Reading the other stories are therapeutic. Thank you for this site. Few people truly understand but this site is a difference maker in my own recovery.
Kim, I’m so sorry for your loss and all that you and your family have been through. I designed this site specifically for loved ones of alcoholics, and write about surviving an alcoholic because we all feel so alone. Despite the love and support of my family and friends–I don’t know how I would have made it without them–I still felt alone. But we are not. I wish you and your children peace. May the love and comfort you find with each other help you through the difficult times. Always remember–during those moments of doubt, through all the guilt and overwhelming sadness–that the alcoholic’s drinking had nothing to do with you. Nothing. Please be good to yourself and try to find a little joy in each day–you deserve it.
Your story made me cry …my husband died 1 week ago of alcholic hepatitis. I too threatened divorce as a last attempt to make him stop.I now understand it was too late .He wasn’t always drinking in this way ,he was poorly and I didn’t know. He said he would never drink again when admitted to hospital, I believed him,he was scared, but it was too late .We had 20 years together.I am devastated. Your post made realise I am not alone Thankyou
To ‘scrappydave’, I’m so sorry for your loss and all that you’ve been put through. Twenty years is a long time together, it will take time to heal–but you will. Please find comfort where you can — family, friends, healthcare givers, spiritual leaders. Let loved ones help you. You are not alone. Be kind to yourself. You will get through this.
Thank you so much for your reply…it truly means alot ❤
It’s Fathers Day two years after my husband died drinking himself to death. I still feel the anger for leaving us and the guilt for not realizing how sick he was. I miss the sober man he was – pretty much says it all. Unfortunately, I think our scenarios are pretty common although I have not found a specific group for widows of addicts. Maybe we should start one? Every time I share my story, other people either know someone whose husband did the same thing or have actual first hand experience. Even my doctor told me she had three patients whose husbands died of alcoholism/suicide. Is it a male phenomenon?
Reading through all the comments, some of which are my own.
So much pain, survivor guilt(?) unresolved anger and emptiness.
I don’t see much to look forward to, having been married 40 years, and knowing I don’t have the luxury of time on my side. I panic in the middle of the night..is this it for me? Perhaps. I’ve become quite isolated, not interested in mustering up the energy or courage to “get back out there.”
(Hate that expression.)
Seems everyone I know is “a couple.” I’m just not good on my own and
certainly wasn’t prepared to be.
Went to a lot of trouble to dress up and attend a reception on Saturday.
Someone asked where my husband
was. No good way around that one. And I always tell the truth about what happened. Then I left. It’s much easier to simply stay home.
I miss the man who loved our family and me as best he could.
I settled for a lack of real intimacy, though, as wives of alcoholics often do.
He was only abusive and disrespectful
to himself. And it killed him.
I remember when he left me for the second time……he made it all the way to Virginia from New York State……Norfolk…..He called me from the road while I sat in the bank……he had run off the road and I was making sure my paycheck was going into my own savings account and not our joint account…..that he had ransacked ……for the second time……I said, “You’ve made these choices…I can’t help you.” He hung up on me …..then he started texting our two (out of three) daughters…..telling them they needed to come to VA, leave your mom, she’s controlling…..its warm…..I’m going to the beach blah blah blah…..and then he was calling me telling me I was a stupid bitch and I could never survive without his money…..and I had already turned the gas/electric into my name and had the car insurance flagged…… He kept telling me how stupid I was…..I kept hanging up on him….and then he would tell me his legs were swelling up and I told his nephew he was staying with that he needed to take his BP meds…….it gets worse…..but I survived.
But………What do you do when you find the email account where they cheated on you???
Thank you for this blog. I am a widow at 34. My husband drank himself to death at 33 after 10 years together. He was a raging alcoholic and at the same time, was a wonderful man whom I loved when he was sober. But I couldn’t live with the insanity, lies, chaos, rage, and fear any more. AA, psychotherapy, rehab, and two stints in the ICU where he didn’t know who I was or what was real. I protected/lied him so that no one knew, and when we separated three months before he died, he told no one. I was treated as a true 34 year old widow at his funeral. And though I grieved, truly, I felt like a fraud. I had left him. Then he died. I’m dealing with PTSD, anger, and grief, and I have no idea what “group” I belong to help deal with it (survivors of suicide? Al-Anon? Widows? Young widows?). I feel as isolated as I was married to a raving alcoholic. I feel old, tired, stupid – I’m grieving for a man who made my life a living hell for many years. I’m sorry there seem to be so many of you that had to go through the same hell. What do you tell people? I avoid telling people anything about my past, because saying I’m a widow is like dropping a bomb. People really don’t expect it from a 30-something. I feel like I was widowed on a technicality. I know my grief is legitimate, but I didn’t lose a functioning partner. If I say alcoholism killed him, it’s a double bomb, or judgement from someone who has no idea what living with an alcoholic is like. I’m sorry you all do.
Hi Kimi – I’m so sorry you’re having to endure this at such a young age. You ARE a legit widow. You stood by him all those years and went through all the craziness. You may want to try to get into a church that could help you. There are many good grief share groups. You can check out this site for more info: https://www.griefshare.org/. Griefshare helped me a lot and I know it also helped other people. The worst case scenario is that you have other grieving people to talk with on a weekly basis.
Hope this helps,
Hi Kimi – I am 56 and lost my husband of 30 years and friend since we were 11 to alcoholism. Same story with ICUs and rehab and lies and hell – yet I loved his soul so so so deeply – we have 4 children and it just sucks. today I miss him so deeply – 5 months yesterday…… So many of my “friends” do not understand how I can miss the hell and chaos – but that I DO NOT miss but I miss my love, Jeff…..I miss his soul and I was never willing to give up. Thank you for your note – hang in there and God Bless you. -Mary
Hi Mary I’m 54. I lost my husband of 30 years 8 months ago. He had cancer. He was an alcoholic and abused drugs. He was also living hell when he was drinking and the drinking was practically daily. I miss him so much, but I was just thinking… it’s Saturday, around 70° and beautiful out. If he was still here, he’d most likely be drunk by now and a royal pain in the ass. That’s how he was for years now and it was getting worse. I think I’m mourning the man I wished he would be. I don’t miss the guy that died. I miss the guy I used to love. I think the more he drank the more himself he was. I was just too blind to see. I liked the bar scene and all that but I grew up. He never did. We met on my 24th birthday and he died 10 days short of my 54th. 30 years of drinking and making excuses and taking the blame and all the rest of that…. my head hurts just thinking of how screwed up we were.
I found this site by accident and I am so very glad that I did. My husband died of a heart attack in his sleep almost a year ago. He was a functioning alcoholic, but a lovely man when sober. I was so heartened to read about other women who had been through the same experiences. I miss him so much, but, like an earlier comment, my life is easier now. I don’t have to watch what I say or do, in case I upset him. Nor do I have to be on edge at family gatherings, watching his alcohol intake, and praying that he doesn’t drink too much. I mourn the sober man that he was.
2 years after his death, I don’t miss alcoholism. But I do miss my husband.
I suppose I did for a long time prior to his death, without even realizing it.
I was invited out with some of his oldest friends last night, who were sharing funny memories of Pete. It brought so much up to the surface.
Everything is still upside down for me.
Me, too. Hugs to you!
I needed to read this…..finally! Someone agreeing with Me……..and my youngest daughter…..who saw/experienced more than she should have……there is Peace in my house…..My house…..all my fears….while I was On Call…….Our/My bed does not reak of wine/vodka sweat……nor do I share a baseball bat with my daughter…..just in case…….I don’t miss the chaos – the confusing comments from a GP – a social worker/family member – and an X-alcoholic counselor from a rehab……I no longer have to smell his breath with a kiss….and smell vanilla……he actually drank my vanilla for my cheesecakes…….No. 7 is much harder to wrap my head around……because I think he could’ve survived if only the VA had included me…..the sober one….the one who could’ve told them about the other medical crisis he had….and maybe a brain scan and maybe his dementia…..maybe maybe…..I’m enjoying the peace…..I’m not enjoying the emptiness of a good man lost.
I love that..”the emptiness of a good man lost”…says it all. Thank you.
I continue to ask myself – How in the world did I survive? – and it’s been over 8 years since my husband passed away. I’m relieved to hear you’re experiencing peaceful days, you deserve them.
That is exactly how I feel. After the grief was gone I felt relief. I read your article in the NYT and I’ve been following you ever since. It was a really big help for me to get through that last stage of grief and I was finally able to say goodbye to my old life. It feels good to know that there are other women who understand what it means being a widow of an alcoholic. That mixture of guilt, grief, relief,…
I love your work, it’s so truthful and inspiring. Thank you, Paula!
Thank you so much, Christel, for your kind words. You sound like you’re in a very good place…and you deserve that! We all do.
I am so happy to find this site and see that I am not alone in my feelings. No one knows what you really go through with an alcoholic husband. I go to grief groups, but none cover this topic. People have said that they are there for me to talk to, but no one understands this, unless they have gone through it themselves. I have read the blogs and am glad that I wasn’t the only experiencing these things while they were alive and then go through the deteriorating disease and watch them slowly die. I am working on forgetting these bad times and just trying to remember the good husband that he was.
You are not alone, Diane. Wishing you continued strength as you work through the aftermath of life with an alcoholic, and hope you find comfort in the good memories and peace in your days.
Thanks so much for sharing, Paula. I relate so much to your first point. I was constantly terrified I’d find my husband dead or badly injured. He was a functional alcoholic for the first 4-5 years, then extremely sick the last 3 years… in and out of rehab, couldn’t work, often so sick I had to call 911. I’m lucky that, in spite of his addiction, my husband was usually loving, funny and thoughtful. I miss him every day but I do NOT miss the stress and drama and uncertainty. Even our cat is more relaxed now.
The other day, my mom implied that my life is happier now. That is not accurate. My life is EASIER since my husband’s death, which makes me feel guilty and which very few people understand.
I am part of a few different widows’ groups but I’d love to find one specifically dealing with widows of addicts–it’s a different, more complex type of grief.
Hugs to you and thanks again.
Thank you for your comment. I’m sorry for all you’ve gone through. The guilt is huge. It’s also unfair and seemingly unavoidable. For widows of alcoholics I find guilt is grief’s inevitable successor. Good luck to you and may you continue to find strength and serenity as you continue to heal.
I just passed the 2 year anniversary of Ps death and I realize that angry was much easier than sad. It fueled me through those ungodly months after his death. Now I feel so alone and so sad. My son’s family have moved in with me after losing their home to Harvey. I’ve been overwhelmed with the feeling of not being enough. We need him here. The real him. Not that spectre of death he was toward the end.
Paula, I am celebrating your peace and happiness.
Thank you, Ev. I hope you are in a happy and peaceful place, too.
It’s been 2 years, 2 months since my husband passed away. I agree 💯 % with all of your feelings. Sometimes I sit here and think, How in the world did I survive? Don’t get me wrong the emotional roller coaster is still on the track, but peace has finally entered my life. I can’t remember a day when I had peace living amongst the chaos of alcoholism.
This is the only place I’ve found comfort. The widow of an alcoholic/addict walks a much different path. Thanks to each of you. 💔
It’s heartwarming to know you’ve found comfort here, Diane. The best of luck to your son and his family. I wish you peace, happiness and love – you deserve it.
Thank you SO much!
It’s been 2
years..and was beginning to sink in. 6 months post-Harvey, my son, his wife, my grandbaby and a large dog are living with me…still. Hard on us all.
Any semblance of normalcy seems to be evading me at every turn.
I’m worn out.
When we were in the midst of
alcohol-induced chaos, it was/seemed “normal.” When I
now think back to
some of the drunken
behavior I simply
horrified! How could it ever have been ok to wheel a drunk 200 lb.man through an airport in a luggage cart?? Or drive him home from another city passed out in the back seat? My GOD.
I can so relate to this. Im struggling with the very same thing. So disappointed in myself for allowing the disrespect to gone for soooo many years. I’m trying to forgive myself, but it is very difficult. What was I thinking. From being called a the horrible c word to a worthless piece of sh## and so so so much more.
You are not alone. May you find peace. Be kind to yourself ALWAYS.
My brilliant husband died three weeks ago and I miss him so, so much.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Colleen, and all that you’ve been through. May you find comfort in your memories, and peace in these difficult days.
My heart goes out to you and i am sorry for your very recent loss. There is never an easy time but heading into the holiday season is unbelievably difficult. I got through that first one in a protective fog, somehow. Shock, perhaps. Had a new grandbaby and all the others who were very sad but not as devastated. Please take care of yourself however you need to and you have every right to step back from the confusing holiday “joy” you find completely overwhelming…Do what you can and not what you simply cannot..
You have my deepest sympathy.
Nov. 18 would have been Pete’s 70th Bday..:(